Super Bowl LVIII (that’s 58 for those who’ve forgotten their Roman numerals) is set to take place on Sunday, Feb 9th between the Kansas City Chiefs and the San Francisco 49ers.
Or, according to some folks, between Taylor Swift fans and Taylor Swift anti-fans.
Since the relationship between the pop star and Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce became public, Swift has been coming to his games to cheer him on. And because Taylor Swift is, in fact, a global megastar, she’s gotten a bit more screen time than other players’ loved ones.
Some folks have had a hard time coping with this fact, however, loudly expressing their displeasure at having the cameras “constantly” pan to Taylor Swift during NFL games. Technically, she’s only been on screen for an average of 25 seconds during each of the last four Chiefs games with an average camera shot being less than 8 seconds, but for some, that’s still too much.
As we all know, it’s an all-American right to watch football without seeing anything we don’t want to see, so in the name of freedom and liberty, here are 13 hacks for avoiding Taylor Swift during the Super Bowl.
Simply pick any of the following as soon as the camera pans to TS:
1. Close your eyes and yell “Football is liiiife!” three times.
This is from “Ted Lasso” and it’s referring to soccer and not American football, but it’s still fun to say, (Plus it’ll get some of that angst at seeing TS’s face for a split second out of you.)
2. Turn off your TV and immediately turn it back on again.
That should be just enough time for the camera to move on to someone else.
3. Move your eyeballs to the right or left—take your pick—until she disappears.
Just like when you see a woman breastfeeding in public, you can simply choose not to look at Taylor Swift.
(See, our eyeballs have this awesome feature where they swivel in their sockets, and we have total control over them! You don’t even have to shift them very far to stop seeing whatever don’t want to see. Super nifty.)
4. Take a really, really, really fast bathroom break.
You’ll probably only have time to get to the bathroom door before the camera moves again, but if you’re swift about it (ba dum pum) maybe you can get in a tinkle, too.
5. Text your mom and thank her.
You know you’ve been meaning to. Now’s the opportune time. (If not your mom, pick someone else you owe some gratitude to.)
6. Think about the Roman Empire.
Thinking about the Roman Empire is like second nature anyway, isn’t it? Indulge whatever that impulse is and zone out with Marcus Aurelius for a few seconds.
7. Take your empty can to the recycling bin.
Clean as you go, as they say. It’ll get you off the couch and save you a little time at the end of the game. Win win.
8. Go put a dish in the dishwasher.
Just one. That’s all you’re going to have time for before TS is gone.
9. Do a few pushups.
Maybe if you get Travis Kelce’s physique, you could land someone like…nevermind.
10. Google “Taylor Swift net worth”
Just for funsies. (Spoiler: She is very, very successful.)
11. Google “Taylor Swift charity”
In case you want to feel better about her connection to the NFL, which none of us have any control over. (Spoiler: She is very, very wealthy but also very generous.)
12. Go outside and touch grass.
Isn’t that what perpetually online folks tell other perpetually online folks? Just step away from the screen for a sec. You’ll feel better and you won’t have to see Taylor. Win win, again.
13. Go give your wife/kid/sibling/friend a hug.
Tell them it’s your Taylor Swift avoidance tactic. See if they laugh, either with your or at you.
There, that takes care of the 0.3% of the game that Taylor Swift’s face might have ruined for some folks. Phew!
Regardless of who’s there and who the camera shows for however long, this year’s Super Bowl should be an exciting game, so let’s all enjoy the matchup between two impressive teams, the Usher-led halftime show that people will inevitably find a way to complain about and the egregiously overpriced commercials that may or may not hit the mark. God bless America!